Well, it has been a long time since I last posted on the blog. I have had a lot of things happen that pretty much derailed me in life. This gal feels like a soul in search and for only the Lord knows what for and why.
I just feel lost where I sit currently. Who am I supposed to be right now? What should I really be doing? Why am I still so tired all the time? What can I do to change this body of mine for the better? What is happening to me that has made everything feel so off?
Little things mostly, but some big things have set me off kilter.
My mother in-law has battled breast cancer (and all the following cancers as it spread over the years) for the last 5.5 years. So many ups and downs that we were all taken aback by her sudden change of health after her last trip for treatment. She looked so well on the outside, and seemed to have so much energy to do things… that honestly I think we (us kids and such) really thought it was improving. She came home and no longer looked or acted that way at all, and it was not long before we knew why. Things were far from improving at all and time was really limited. Thankfully, everyone that needed to be near her was able to be near. Things were a day to day method of holding our breath and praying it was not really the end. The early morning of June 1st she went with the Lord into the sunrise. Hearts never can truly prepare for those kinds of moments. Needless to say, no matter how long we knew she could pass away made it any easier to experience when that time came. We wept, and wept…. and it has now been around a month since she left us to go on ahead. We are all still figuring out how to cope with this truth. Little things still stop us in our tracks though. Times where I think, “Oh, I have to show her/tell her…” kinds of moments. Matthew was baking cookies, and suddenly WHAM! He really missed her; baking cookies with her. His new truck at work, and all those little things we love to share with those who care about them all. You find yourself, just crumbling where you stand. Wishing that there had been a way to make it all better. Not angry, or even sad that she is well in heaven; but desperately lonesome for her presence to be felt again. I’m not sure when we’ll lose the next loved one and I am honestly dreading those times ahead. I know there will be more, simply as there always are as we grow up. I have two more loved ones battling types of cancer right now, and I keep praying that God is going to let me keep them awhile yet. I’m not ready to feel those losses on top of losing Clara. Losing her has been a deep wound in my heart. I really love my mother in-law, and feel so blessed beyond measure to have had her as mine. I know not everyone is so lucky as I have been with in-laws… but I was. I wish there could be more time with her right now. There just isn’t any more time than the amount God ordained from the moment we are formed. This is why you should ALWAYS tell people when you do love them. Hug them. See them. Know them…. know them well. Take photos, candids are even better… relish in the life in-front of you because one day it changes. I am thankful for the memories we have of her. We needed them to get through this time without her.
I had that follow up neurology appointment this June. Not a lot had to be discussed though. I was still doing better on the venlafaxine and remarkably well considering the emotional time we were going through. I still was not sleeping like needed, so this worried the doctor. He decided I should try taking a pill called gabapentin. That maybe if I slept decent at night that I would in turn be able to eliminate some of the migraines and bodily stiffness. So I took gabapentin for around 3 weeks exactly before I ended up in the emergency room with a massive abdominal migraine and c.v.s. for the first time in a long time. I thought maybe it was all the emotional stress finally leaving its mark. After several abdominal migraines, accompanied by c.v.s. ( but no migraine in my head) we really began looking into the effects that gabapentin could have on my body. Turned out it was the gabapentin causing these sudden episodes to come on out of the blue. I was able to stop the medication in full right away, and have had no more episodes since stopping. So here I am awake when I should be sleeping…. but being able to breath, eat some without puking, sit upright… those little things…. it is nice. Not sure what the next follow up will lead to but hoping to just stick with the medications that are working right now and not try any new ones. I did NOT miss having abdominal migraines or c.v.s. taking me to the ER for a while. Hoping to not have any further relapses anyhow.
Aside from that, life has been full of rainy days and feeling very tired. The weather here can be a big trigger for my symptoms on a daily basis. Thankfully I have had very few migraines lately, but plenty of nausea and exhaustion. I do not eat anything some days, and just drink water. Still weigh 140 or so pounds but I know that things fit differently. I think that I am just less bloated. I have yet to begin any vitamin regimen to offset the methylation problems from the genetic mutations, but that would be a good thing to begin soon. I just have a hard time understanding all the science behind the regimens that I can read about online. Plus each added mutation complicates the regimen. I have several methylation mutations to deal with and not all of them have clear regimens or known symptoms to watch for or known triggers to avoid. This does not make me any more eager to start taking anything new, or any more confident in ordering what may or may not be the right kind of activated vitamins. I also have to be careful about what I do eat of just straight up whole foods. I cannot have cruciferous vegetables (sadly some of my absolute favorites are on that list), fermented foods, sulphated foods (or products), fortified is still a huge NOPE, and have to be careful of the acidic levels from eating fruits. SO…. everything is either very appealing or very unappealing to me when I try to eat. I honestly have no clue what to eat, what to drink, or even what products to use. It is mentally exhausting and grocery shopping plum wastes me.
On a few pluses……………. my bestie had her baby girl late June and oh my does my heart warm at the sight of her little self! I wish that we were able to go visit her now and hold sweet baby girl. Sadly, it is unlikely to happen this year really. Life just doesn’t throw us a bone out of state or even town hardly ever.
The second little positive thing is that I finally got my wedding bands resized! Oh how good it is to have MY rings back on my finger and not pinch. Wearing a fake wedding ring was so weird. I always admire other bands for sale, but never really thought it would feel so wrong to wear different ones. Nothing is like your actual wedding ring though. It has been a relief to wear my own again and I don’t look at those other sparkly diamonds the same way I did prior haha
We have had some fun in the sun a few days so far this summer. The last holiday was decent and we spent it at my aunt and uncles homestead in Homer, Alaska. My dad came down and stayed two nights with us (this is rare lol) and went to Homer as well. This is extra fun because it only really works out every couple of years that we all get around to visit. My dad is also a 4th of July baby 🙂 SO we are big on trying to spend it with my dad to celebrate his birthday if he is around town. This year it was really fun and will make for good memories.
Then yesterday evening we went to Captain Cook state park beach and just enjoyed the view…. well and squishing our (my and Riley’s) feet in the pudding-like clay that is naturally occurring from the volcanic ash mixing with the water. It is better than anything else to squish my feet in nice cool clay. Matt feels quite the contrary about his feet getting into goopy clay lol I did get him to take off his boots and socks and at least walk along the sandy parts that were less covered in rocks. The sound of the water lapping has to be one of our family favorites though. It is a strange thought that there are people who have never once seen a beach that is coastal. I also think it is so weird that anyone refers to the sandy areas by a lake or river as a beach. To me it is just a sandbar if it doesn’t meet with open ocean water. I have never been to beaches on the coast of anywhere else though…. well actually that isn’t true. I went to the beach a few times as a kid down by my grandma’s house at Coupeville on Whidbey Island (Washington). I have never been to Hawaii or to the beaches of California or Florida. One day I do hope to walk some other beaches on the coasts of new states or places out of the united states. Riley loves collecting agates, various rocks, and especially seashells. Not a lot of seashells to pick up on our beaches, but she loves the few teeny tiny pink or white shells she finds. I think she would go nuts if we went to Hawaii and could see all the varying shells on those beaches. Someday…. <3
Well, it is a bit after 4 in the morning now…. and I am supposed to be getting up in a few hours to get ready for grocery shopping and a friend’s wedding. I will wish that all this time had been spent sleeping, but that is how my life generally goes. I’ll make up for it asleep at some other wrong hour of the day most likely! lol